Fear and happiness

I woke this morning feeling uneasy. I am scared, and I don't know why. I've been asking myself why. Is it because I have a day full of meetings tomorrow? Is it because I have essays to grade and I'm worried that I won't have them done when I told the students I would? Is it because I'm leaving on a vacation in ten days and my pattern is to set artificial deadlines, cram a ton of work in, and then be ready and relaxed in advance? Is it because I started to watch a television show last night that brought up ugly memories and associations?

The truth is that I am afraid because I am happy. I am one of those people who don't trust that happiness will last. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've been considering this possibility for a week, thinking of the phrase in the William Blake poem,"He who binds himself to a joy, Does the winged life destroy".

I am not one to bind joy but I am one to second guess it. Martha Beck describes someone like me in her book Finding your own North Star:

"Those who grew up in chaotic, unpredictable environments (children of alcoholic parents seem especially vulnerable) aren't comfortable with the peaceful, bountiful steadiness of Square Four. They don't know how to stroll by the still waters, and they often end up destroying their very own promised land"

Martha offers some ideas on how to keep this from happening:

1) Don't hoard your toast - By this, she means don't cling desperately to all the good things that are coming into your life. This isn't a particular challenge for me (with one or two possible exceptions). The image that keeps me from from clinging to joy is that of squeezing toothpaste too hard. Squeeze too hard and splat, the paste is wasted and all over the place. Not a pretty image but it works for me.

2) Be overwhelmed by joy -I hope that I can do this, especially when I am in Switzerland skiing in two weeks. Martha's comments, on why this is hard for some people, ring true for me. "You learned never to show anyone how much you wanted something, or let people see how thrilled you were to get it. Most of us believe that overt demonstrations of either desire or fulfillment are deeply unwise, that they leave us frighteningly vulnerable in both personal and professional settings, that they attract sharks. " She goes on to say "you're going to experience a lot of good things. Celebrate them. Comment on them, frequently. Tell people about your reactions to both success and failure." Phew - I feel less guilty already about some of my posts that describe the fun I am having. And I really do intend to ski with joy.

3) Be here now - This is huge for me. Too often I have "lived" in the past or the future. I am happy now with a tinge of fear. That is all, and that is okay. Even as I write, I become more present and those vestiges of irrational fear evaporate. Martha quotes a version of a Navajo prayer-chant called "Beauty Way" in Finding your own North Star. It helps a lot.

"There is beauty before me, and there is beauty behind me.

There is beauty to my left, and there is beauty to my right.

There is beauty above me, and there is beauty below me.

There is beauty around me, and there is beauty within me. "