A roller coaster day

Yesterday was a roller coaster of a day. My stomach sank and I was down when I realized that my flights to Switzerland were not booked. I was rattled (it was a shaky old roller coaster) when I was booking my flights. I actually made reservations to the wrong city. I plummeted downward again when I realized my mistake but started a slow ascent once I got a refund and the correct tickets issued.

There were two high points and another low. One peak , when I realized how in-depth and customized to me, my ski training in Switzerland will be, and a second , in the evening when I successfully completed two routes in the rock gym that had stymied me for months. I hit another trough when I came home and discovered an incident with my car. I was glad to get off the roller coaster and into bed.

Today I am reflecting on how I felt during that ride. I am recalling, not my emotions, but the actual sensations I experienced in my body. When I got the news about my flights not being booked, stress flooded me. My jaw clenched and my stomach tightened. I was poised to fight. I was aware of those feelings and took conscious action to release them. I thought I had shaken the fear and stress out of my body but I now believe that I was faking it.

I'm good at faking that I'm okay. For years, whenever I felt overwhelmed, anxious, or on an emotional roller coaster, my response was to mask my feelings and carry on. That's what I did yesterday. I know this because I am no longer frozen and I do recall what I felt. When I made my mistake booking flights, my core felt jittery almost as if it were breaking apart. I didn't like the feeling and rushed, wanting to get the problem solved. The jittery feeling should have been a cue to slow down, not speed up, but I ignored it. I wasn't centered and I believe the mistake I made is related to the disconnection between my mind and my body.

"Pull yourself together" is a phrase used, usually somewhat cold-heartedly, when someone is emotional. I know that I can pull myself together, connect my mind and body through vigorous physical activity. I was anticipating that going to the rock climbing gym would be a good end to the day. I had fun, but the gym was especially stimulating last night. I was with friends, there was good music playing, groups of teens practising for a competition, and a pervasive high energy. While I was at the gym, my energy built instead of releasing. I had that jittery coffee-high feeling again.

I didn't pull myself together at the gym. So, yesterday was a day in which some of the tools I use to keep myself present and centred didn't work as well as usual. I expected them to work and with 20/20 hindsight realize that I wasn't being completely honest with myself. Lesson learned:don't just rely on the tool or tactic (eg. breathing or exercise), check for the outcome. Aaaagh - that sounds too business-like. Lesson learned: be honest with yourself and don't be hard on yourself.

Namaste