Opening heartstrings and hamstrings

I have been doing yoga regularly for several years and have seen many changes in my mind, body and spirit during this time. When I first began yoga, I recall feeling some energy around my ankles and feet that was new. I related the feeling to the fact that, when I was an infant and toddler, I had devices attached to my legs to correct congenital hip dislocation. Imagined or not, I felt like I had not been able to kick my legs freely enough during that time, and I was freeing myself now to move independently.

As my yoga progressed, I felt myself soften in other ways. I have always had a fairly flexible back and was frustrated when I couldn't move into full camel pose by reaching my hands down to my feet. I would lean back and waves of emotion would sweep over me and I would feel fear and panic and lie down.

The fears that I felt as I leaned back with my heart facing upward and open had nothing to do with the moment. They were past and future fears. By learning to be in the moment, I learned to open my heart and experience feelings in a new way.

I caused a car accident a few years ago by speeding (aided by adrenalin from finishing a basketball game and a thumping Bruce Springsteen anthem on the car stereo) and missing a yield sign. No one was hurt but both cars were a mess. Their car was written off and mine nearly was. I worried and beat myself up figuratively for days. I went to a yoga class, and went through the series of postures. Camel pose is near the end and I tried the posture as usual. I had never gotten into the full backbend but I did that day and discovered that underneath all the worry was gratitude to God that no one had been hurt. I was thankful. It was a very unexpected emotion. So now, I welcome the camel pose because if I do it, I may gain insight past my thinking and into my feeling.

I still do sometimes struggle to get into the full position. Some days I feel fear again and, then I observe the fear and realize that I am in a yoga studio and am kneeling with my head and throat moving toward the back of the room, and I am then able to continue into the pose. When I struggle, it has very little to do with my body and a lot to do with my mind.

My hamstrings are a different matter. They are tight and, until recently, haven't seemed to loosen much in the years that I have practiced. I have been letting go of fear for several years. Sometimes, it peels off like the layers of an onion. Sometimes, it comes off like a knife slicing the onion into quarters. Over the past few months, fear for me has been abating in large chunks. Somewhere I read that having tight hamstrings is associated with fear. Our hamstrings are tight because we are poised to take flight. We are always ready to move. My hamstrings are finally beginning to loosen, and it is good to feel strong and soft, powerful and vulnerable at the same time. I am learning to differentiate when I need to respond to fear and when I need to just be.

Namaste,
Ginny