Blind spots

Lately, I have been very conscious of my blind spot when I am driving my car. I make an effort to shoulder check and look at the small but very dangerous spot when the car close on the right is not visible. Too often, I see a car when I did not sense one.

Lately, I have been wondering why certain people get to me, triggering thoughts or behaviour that do not reflect the me that I want to be. Yesterday in yoga class one of those people practiced next to me. I heard a noisy thunk as she hurled her mat onto the floor. I looked up to see who it was. I saw her and felt dismay. I resolved to focus on my practice, to get into the poses, hold them and move on. As I did so, I realized that what triggers me about her isn't so much her drama but her frustration with not getting the poses right or perfect. It seemed as if she wanted someone to notice her and compliment her - good work, good effort, good girl. I know that feeling and gradually over time the need for external recognition is diminishing in me. It's still there, though, and pops up when I least expect it.

Recognizing my blind spot in yoga class spawned other ah-ha's. There was a woman who spoke to me in the climbing gym about watching her climber while she belayed him on lead that triggered anger in me. I held back my snarky retort but it troubled me so much that I moved to a different part of the gym but did not enjoy the rest of my session. I realized that it was because she saw me as a middle-aged beginner climber, not an experienced intermediate.

With that realization came others... the guy who told me that some of my short radius turns were good; others not so. I became VERY passive aggressive (knowing short radius turns are an area of improvement for me), and challenged him to tell me specifically which ones were good and which ones weren't and what I did differently on each. It was a trigger-fest on skis. His lack of self confidence (which I would have seen were it not one of my blind spots) triggered my lack of confidence. I fired back. He volleyed in return. Good thing we weren't in cars, but at least in cars, we know to check our blind spots.

This is the lesson that I am taking away - check my blind spots. When I feel unease, I become less present and worry that I am not good enough. Instead, I need to open myself to the situation and ask myself what it is going on. The irony is that by worrying about not being good enough, that's what happens. Maybe I can tape a note on my nose that sticks up in front of my eyes. Check your blind spots! No - that would make me blind to other things...the answer is (with apologies to the Grateful Dead) to "keep on truckin".