Feelings (aka aches and pains)

Over the past couple of days, I have spoken to a number of friends about their aches and pains. One friend has a sore back. Another has damaged knees. A third was complaining about her shoulder; another about hips. As for me, my toes are sore again.

Warning - some people find the following story makes them cringe...so if graphic description of toe pain makes you want to turn the other way, go turn the other way and resume reading after the following two paragraphs.

I know myself best so I'll start by exploring my sore toes. I honestly can't remember the first time that I noticed that I had sore toes. I do know that I was still a teenager because I remember driving home from a New Jersey ski resort (Great Gorge) without my shoes on because my toes were frozen. A few years ago, I injured my big toenails so badly and the pain was so intense that the podiatrist removed them so that I would be in less pain and new nails could grow back unencumbered. I limped around the house for two days with my big toes swaddled in blue gauze, and then pushed my sore toes back into ski boots and headed to the mountains. I didn't realize that blood warms areas in need of healing so, despite the minus 18 degree temperatures at Lake Louise, my toes sweated and then (expectedly) froze. Frostbite resulted and I dealt with tiny bits of blackened skin as well as my lack of toenails for the rest of the season.

Apparently, nails take eighteen months to fully grow back so the next season my freshly grown toenails went back into my boots. They were fine until I went mogul skiing, and even though I have a good boot fit with little fore/aft movement of my foot within the shell, I banged up and bruised my toenails again. This is a common skier ailment. I went mogul skiing yesterday and my toes are sore again, with a bruise developing on my right big toenail.

Sensitive readers can resume here.

So, are my sore toes telling me anything other than to not ski moguls (which I love doing and won't stop)? Yes, they are telling me they are cold. I know my toes well and while a bit of numbness is good, there is a point at which I know to go warm them up. Are my toes telling me anything else? Yes, they are telling me when I am trying too hard. They curl up and strain to the top of the boot. This is a signal to relax. Do my toes hurt when they are not in ski boots? Again, the answer is yes. I notice my toes in two places - at the yoga studio and when I am trying to sleep. I suspect that my toes signal to me that I need to relax and fully ground myself. This is definitely what I feel in the yoga studio and I can physically look at my toes, see how I am standing, and relax my muscles and my mind. In bed, I use a prop to feel grounded. I put a pillow over my feet and the weight helps with warmth and feeling connected.

Toes are an extremity. Sometimes, when my toes are cold, it means that I am pulling myself within to stay warm. This is a physiological response to extreme weather. When that happens, I need to warm my toes. Sometimes, when my toes are cold, it means that I am uncomfortable in a situation - the weather could be warm - and I am pulling myself within to stay safe. I am retracting to my core. It is a physiological response to emotional weather. When that happens, I need to check in with myself and see why I am curling in. Sometimes, just noticing is the fix. Sometimes, I discover that I need a different response, perhaps to speak up or to move away.

The point is that our bodies are part of our internal compasses. When something doesn't feel right, when a toe or an elbow or a nose is sending a message, we need to stop and check. My friend with the sore back said she stomped around like an angry pirate dragging a limp foot for days before she realized that, in addition to her trips to the emergency room and medication, she needed to stop doing and just rest. My friend with the sore shoulder did injure it several years ago but she also carries life weight (that kind that weighs nothing on a scale but tons in our spirit) on her shoulders.

Charles Dickens evoked this life weight in 1843 when he described the ghost of Jacob Marley, Scrooge's business partner, with his heavy chain of money boxes and ledgers wound round him. Dickens' A Christmas Carol contains many messages are that relevant not just to winter but to all seasons. Like Marley, we carry our daily business with us. Unlike Marley, we can become conscious of its weight and take actions to lessen our bodily burden while we are still in our mortal coil and able to the experience the joys of life. Joy is weightless. So, check your body compass regularly and see how you feel.