Old patterns

When I am stressed, I fall into old patterns. I have witnessed myself doing this at least three times this week. The first time that I saw myself falling into old ways was on Thursday afternoon when I came home to 37 e-mails and 7 urgent phone messages. The reason for so many messages is that I had worried the night before, solved a problem when I came awake at 4:00 am, and tried to get the solution documented and e-mailed off to the right people before I headed outon my day at 7:30 am. Whether it was lack of sleep, stress, or the combination, that's where things began to go awry.

I changed the spreadsheet, composed the e-mail and sent it off...or so I thought. Turns out, that I had forgotten to attach the spreadsheet. It also turns out that I left my cellphone on in the pcocket of the coat I had worn the previous day, so all the calls letting me know that I had not attached the spreadsheet rang and rang in the closet. Guilt ravaged me (a slight overstatement, but not much) when I came home and realized what had happened. Guilt triggers stress so I was soon swearing (yes, I actually did swear at my computer) as I tried to attach and re-send the message. As happens, when I am stressed, I make mistakes so it took me much longer than it should have to get the spreadsheet ready and e-mailed. Murphy's Law then took over, and the e-mail server decided to take a coffee break and wait 40 minutes before delivering my e-mail.

I knew all the feelings that I experienced as I tried to remedy the situation. I recognized that I was stressing. I felt the same way that I used to. I even got the same old stomach ache. So, why didn't I take action to disrupt the old patterns? I think I enjoyed the familiarity and the adrenalin. I think I also enjoyed having an excuse to be angry at myself, at others, at the situation. I was already stressed before I forgot the attachment and the phone so this allowed me to go to the old feelings.

These old patterns seem to arise more in the holiday season than at other times of the year. The other two situations in which I observed myself behaving in ways that reflect old beliefs were replicas of Christmases past. "Plus ca change, plus ca meme" - Not necessarily true, but the way I behaved. I know that I am not alone in reverting to old behaviors. I also know that I should be gentle with myself. What I find most interesting, however, is that these patterns are so hard to break. Even the language I've used as I've written tonight reflects old beliefs. I wrote "I think" a lot. I wrote that "I tried to...". I know that change is a cycle and that each time I revisit a past belief or pain, there is a more healing and growth. So, I am trying to look at my patterns as an opportunity to grow, to make that leap from fear into fun. I love the Christmas season, but there is some fear involved. There is also some fun and everything between. And that is life. And it's a wonderful life.