Scared to be Wild

I am a domesticated creature, otherwise known as super erudio urbanus mulier. I'm not even sure that I was born wild. My parents told a story about the first time I met Santa Claus. Apparently, I was dressed in red velvet and approached him shyly. When I reached his knee, I didn't clamber up but curtsied. My parents were proud. I went to interviews for boarding school when I was still just a pre-teen, a seventh grader. I actually wore short white gloves to the interview at the school where my mother had gone (to my credit, I ditched them in subsequent interviews at different schools). If I had a wild streak, my personality and upbringing sublimated it early.

When I first thought of being wild, I thought of Hunter Thompson or Janis Joplin, frenzied and unkempt. Dark glasses, hiding eyes. I've thought for days now about wildness and last night I realized that I am being unfair to "wild things". There are many aspects of wildness and that is what appeals to me so much about nature. Nature is wildness; it is not tamed, domesticated or cultivated. Nature can be gentle providing the rain for crops, flowers and trees to thrive. Nature can be brutal, storming hail on fragile summer stalks. Nature can be extravagant, creating lush jungle forests or nature can be stark with limned dark mountainside. These contrasts are the wildness of nature. The wildness is not just the hard negative. It is the softness as well.

If I am scared to be wild (and I am), then I am denying part of life, for life is contrast. Carpe diem: carpe nocem. Pain:pleasure. Dark:light. To be fully alive, we need to explore all aspects both hard and easy. I have muffled my voice for many years, modulating it and my choice of words like a lady. Perhaps it is time for me to swear like a stevedore (although I really still can't picture myself doing it). It is time however for me to be vehement when the situation warrants. I am too tactful, too diplomatic and my point can be missed. A wild animal protecting her young is not tactful. She is strong and direct. I can relate to that example. I can also imagine the gentleness of animals and the fierceness. Neither is good or bad; they just are. Wildness is not frenzied and unkempt. Wildness is acting true to yourself, your instincts, your essential self. Sometimes what attracts you is what you need, what is missing from your life. I am drawn to the outdoors and its wild nature. I am seeking what I miss and am finding who I am.