Being happy in the world

Before I went to Switzerland, I wrote about being happy and being afraid that it wouldn't last. At the time, I was happy anticipating the trip. I've been home for a month now and I am still happy.

The reason that I am learning to be happy is that I no longer fear "falling" or "not falling". Failure or success. It doesn't matter. And with the fear of both falling and not falling dissipating, I no longer fear happiness and so I am beginning to experience it. I am, however, learning that I have a lot to learn about happiness. Two blog entries stand out in my mind as helping me on my path.

• Trying is a blog entry that I quote to myself or someone else nearly everyday. When I looked up the dictionary definition of trying, and realized that it means causing hardship, strain or distress, a light bulb went on. I try too hard and by trying I choke happiness. This is a theme I am riffing on now in pretty well every area of my life.
• Fear and Happiness is also helping me clarify my beliefs about happiness. In it, I describe when I realized that I was happy but didn’t trust it to last. I turned to Finding Your Own North Star and Martha Beck’s words on the topic (Don't hoard your toast, be overwhelmed by joy, be in the moment) really resonated for me.

The changes that I feel and see as a result of allowing (note the distinction - allowing myself to be happy rather than trying to be happy) are subtle. Yesterday, I had of those phone calls which used to cause my inner lizard to take control. I listened to the call and did nothing right away. This morning, I woke up knowing exactly what the solution was. I implemented the solution and the problem is fixed. I find humour in more situations. I used to second guess a lot of the things I said to people during the course of a day. At its worst, I would come home from work and replay every conversation, cringing and wanting a mulligan on my day. Now, I seldom rehash what I said once I say it, and it is even more rare that I want a re-do. That's a lot less internal criticism and anxiety on a daily basis ( plus it gives me more time to do the things that I like!)

One thing about being happy is that it shows. And while I'm happy to show that I'm happy, I still feel a little exposed. But, I've spent too much of my life covered up - it's time to show who I am. Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls is a song in which one stanza always made tears flow,"And I don't want the world to see me, Cause I don't think that they'd understand, When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am".

In the past,when I heard the song I really felt the paradox of not wanting the world to see me but at the same time, just wanting to be known for who I am. It's taken years but I've learned that I know who I am and that knowledge is why I'm okay with being in the moment, being me. And if I'm just me, it's okay for the world to see me and, if the world doesn't understand me, great, and if the world does, great. It is great to be in the world.