Thanksgiving

This Thursday is Thanksgiving in the United States. I was born and raised in the U.S., but came to Canada to go to McGill when I was 18. I have lived here ever since. Thanksgiving is celebrated in both Canada and the U.S. but at different times and with different traditions.

I miss American Thanksgiving. Where I grew up, late November was the start of the crisp cold. Watching football, whether Pop Warner, high school, or college games on television, was the norm. The meal didn't vary - turkey, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes, green beans, cranberry, maybe sweet potatoes with marshmallows melted on top, and pies for dessert. It was a simple holiday without the complex emotion of Christmas.

When I first came to Canada, I often went home for American Thanksgiving. This meant skipping some classes, toting textbooks on the train or plane, and then returning Sunday with textbooks unopened. One year, I brought turkey sandwiches with stuffing and cranberry to another American student who was unable to go home. I don't think I would get a gooey sandwich like that across the border these days.

When I was older and raising my own family, we celebrated Canadian Thanksgiving. I toyed with the idea of also celebrating American Thanksgiving and once bought tiny pilgrim candles to set a seasonal table. The end of November is too busy a time with a young family to take a day off from work to cook a meal when no one else is celebrating. (Or so, I though then. Wouldn't it have been nice to do that? 20/20 hindsight can also be rose-coloured.) So, if I wasn't enjoying an oven roasted turkey with all the trimmings, I decided not to cook at all. My Thanksgiving tradition became ordering pizza on the third Thursday in November.

For the past few years, I have visited my brothers in New England. I teach part time at a University so this sometimes meant catching a "red-eye" on Thursday night, missing the main meal, but being there for the leftovers and family time over the weekend. It is a good time to visit family. There is a sense of imminent celebration but the energy is still low key. This year, especially, I am missing my brothers. My mother passed away last April. She hadn't been able to travel for the past few Thanksgivings but for her, Thanksgiving was the kick off to Christmas. And how she loved decorating and buying gifts for Christmas!

I was expecting to feel a bit sad come Thursday, given my nostalgia for American Thanksgiving and the sense of my mother really being gone. I was surprised when the sadness crept in last night without my realization. I'd had a busy day yesterday, beginning with a conference call at 7:30 am, interspersed with e-mails, research, meetings at the University with students, a meeting downtown at 5:15 pm. Shortly before 8:00, I was at home on my computer still working. I recall thinking to myself that it was one of those rare days when I actually crossed off all the items on my (short term) to-do list. I glanced at my in-box and had an e-mail from my brother asking if it was okay if he dispersed some money before Christmas from my mother's estate as a gift. My automatic response was "Sounds like a good idea. Mom would want gifts" and I pressed send.

I went back to my work and noticed that I felt heavy and very tired. I phoned a friend and said "I just want to say Hi. I don't want to talk for long. I'm going to bed soon, but I just wanted to say hi." We talked briefly. I shut off my computer and went upstairs to bed. As I was writing in my journal, I realized why I had suddenly become so tired. My brother's message was like a time-release capsule. I had been waiting to feel sad and the gel cap had dissolved. I felt sad that my mother is no longer here to buy extravagant un-needed presents. I felt sad that the phone calls which always came whenever I sat down to eat would not come this year. I felt sad that she wouldn't be asking me what the girls wanted for Christmas and then sending something more suited to a Floridian than a young Canadian. I felt sad. And then I realized that I had wanted to let someone know that I was sad before I even knew that I was sad. I wanted to connect with someone before I went to bed that night. My heart knew what I wanted before my brain knew.

Today, I don't feel as sad. When I was typing, some tears surfaced as I wrote about my mother's decorating and gifts, but they quickly evaporated. I was sad last night. I was sad for a moment earlier, but overall, I am thankful. I am thankful for my family. I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful that it snowed a little bit last night. I am thankful for scented candles and boisterous dogs. I am even thankful for pizza places that deliver.

Namaste,
Ginny