Showing my feelings

Yesterday, I did a happy dance in celebration of a silly little accomplishment. The fact that I felt joy over something so small, much less showed my happiness through a jig surprised me. I was at the ski hill and we were practicing a chair lift evacuation. There are teams of three working to get skiers and boarders off the chair lift in case of an emergency. It is something we practice and seldom use.

I was feeling that I wasn't doing things right. The head patroller didn't like how another instructor and I anchored ourselves, and suggested (strongly) we do it another way. Shortly afterwards, I tried to flip the rope over the chair and failed. The person teaching me told me to take a wide stance, keep my head down, like in golf, and move the rope from my right uphill foot to my left downhill foot. Like in golf, I failed to keep my head down and failed to move the rope to the correct spot. Soon, the head patroller came by again and made me show him how I brake manually (which went well) and how the safety engages as a brake. Again, he didn't like my anchor position and made me shift. He indicated that an experienced person could do it the way I originally was positioned but that a newbie couldn't. His remarks frustrated me because he knows nothing about my experience belaying or anchoring - he just assumed that I didn't know what I was doing.

So, a few minutes later, a friend of mine was practicing flicking the rope to remove the rope-saver from the cable. She was flicking properly with her right hand but then pulling down with her left to straighten the rope, which prevented the rope-saver from moving. She tried several times. I had never tried but thought I could do it. I took the rope, flicked my wrist, the rope-saver moved, and voila! I was dancing up and down on the hill. A small success but I did celebrate it (and got teased for a while afterwards).

Spontaneously showing my feelings does leave me feeling vulnerable. I felt silly for being so happy over such a small thing. What is true, however, is that there was a lot more involved yesterday morning in my happiness than just flicking the rope. That small movement relieved a lot of my earlier frustration and proved a point only I knew that I was making.

While I was in Zermatt, I also showed my feelings unexpectedly. It was the morning when the level 3 exams were beginning. I was at breakfast with a friend who was taking the exams and his wife. We'd been chatting and heard a booming voice from across the dining room (the same booming voice that had sung traditional sea chanties a few nights earlier while slightly intoxicated). The fellow with the voice was talking about taking the level 3 course and how there was no potential disappointment because there were no exams available until later in the season. My friends and I heard the comment about disappointment and burst out laughing. We all laughed hard, wiping tears from our eyes - my friend who was taking his exams, his wife who was taking another course and me. One of the examiners was at the table behind us and asked with a smile in his voice, "Are you laughing at what I think you are?"

The feelings that I expressed as I laughed were complex. I was releasing a lot of the anxiety that I had created. I was laughing because the comment felt naive. I was laughing because, even without exams, disappointment is a possibility. I was laughing because my friends were laughing. I laughed in some disappointment (just a little), a lot of relief, and some awareness that others would not understand that my decision not to take the exams is a decision rooted in allowing rather than trying. Later that morning, several people commented on how relaxed I had looked at breakfast.

Showing my feelings does leave me feeling vulnerable because only I understand the complexity of my feelings. A single word often simplifies what perhaps should not be named. An expression might look like disappointment to others but, to me, there may be relief, satisfaction, frustration and anticipation mixed in the many layers of emotion. An expression might look like competitiveness (as did my happy dance) to others but, to me, I am only aware of how I feel in the moment. As I learn to show my feelings, I am learning that others' responses to my feelings do not validate or invalidate me. My feelings are my own, and the people that I want to spend time with are those who recognize when feelings are authentic and transparent and appreciate that I am me.