Subtle Balance

Skiing is about balance. Life is about balance. Balance is both simple and complicated. I learned a lot about balance while I was skiing on the glacier in Zermatt. My first day on snow started out roughly, when my alarm clock didn't go off. We were supposed to be outside completely ready to go at 8:30. I was lying in bed in my hotel room and heard noise but didn't see much light through the window so I supposed that it was still early (6:30 or so). Something made me look at my watch and it was 8:15. I leaped out of bed, brushed my teeth, put sunblock on, threw my ski stuff together and hustled out. I had a leftover banana from the night before and an energy bar, plus I'd gulped down some water in the room. I was ready to go at 8:30.

The first day back on snow is always about regaining balance on skis. A good test is whether you can ski down a slope in just your boots. As we came out of the restaurant after lunch, the level 4 instructor who we were skiing with, slid gracefully down a pitch on her boots. The rest of us lurched forward and backward, and some avoided the whole issue by gingerly side-stepping down. The level 4 noticed this and told us that when she is coaching racers she doesn't let them ski gates until they are completely balanced when just boot skiing. I was able to boot-ski down the same pitch but not for several more days.

The second day back on snow, I awoke at the right time but my legs felt shaky and unbalanced all morning. It might have been the altitude, it might have been me adjusting to the food, or it might have been that I was slightly dehydrated, but I did begin to feel stronger in the afternoon. I made some good turns and received feedback that I need to feel the move to the inside (which for skiing "insiders" means that I need to work the lateral plane of balance).

On the third day back on snow (and this is beginning to sound like the "Twelve Days of Skiing"), I felt good about my skiing and received feedback again that technically my form was sound but in terms of function, I needed to move more to the inside and that this would help me become more dynamic. That evening, however, my mind began the insidious process of thinking too much. I realized that it was my thoughts that were concerning me and worked that steps that help establish mind-body balance for me. My thoughts continued their invasion the next day. I began to second guess my skiing competency and whether I was ready to take the exams. I wrote in my journal. "I am holding back. My thoughts are holding me back. If I don't take the exams, will I feel like I have left something undone?"

The next day I tried. I tried and I tried. Now, those of you who read my blog regularly know that, in my view, trying is not a good thing. Trying implies that I am not fully confident that I will achieve my goal. When I try, I stiffen up. Trying causes strain, and strained skiing is not fluid and dynamic.There is inherent tentativeness. And so, it was not a day in which I skied with joy and abandon. It was a day in which I was hard on myself and compared myself and messed up my skiing by trying and thinking too hard.

"Do not try. Do or do not" - Yoda. Good advice. Since I was trying, I began to think of not taking the exams, of just skiing and enjoying my time in Switzerland. I skied the next day and skied much better. I also liked myself better. I was more helpful to my classmates and more genuine in wanting the best for each of us. I still had a few days in which the instructors would evaluate us and in which I could assess my own skiing. I thought about some of the other things that I have been exploring in my own development. Would not taking the exams constitute a "fear of falling ( or failing)? or would I feel like I had left something undone, that I hadn't reached for that last hold?

The answer is no. In my heart, I was not ready to take the exams. I see the evidence in my own writing. In this blog, I wrote that "I am not concerned whether I pass or fail my exams. I love to ski and I love to teach skiing. This is an opportunity to refine my skills in a setting that epitomizes alpine skiing. I will have fun skiing, I will eat pasta on the Italian side of the mountain every day for lunch, I will drink a little bit of wine, I will eat chocolate, I will make new friends." When I thought about the exams, I pictured myself getting my teaching or my skiing but not both.

And so, I chose not to take the exams. I know that getting my level 3 certification is an achievable goal. I know that with more time on snow my balance will improve further. And I know that one day soon (very likely later this season), I will wake up knowing that I am ready to take the exams. I achieved the goal that I set out for myself when I went to Switzerland. I had fun skiing (especially once I relaxed), I did eat pasta every day on the Italian side of the mountain and especially relished dipping bread in smooth bodied olive oil, I did drink a little bit of wine (but not too much), I did eat chocolate and I did make new friends. Again, I am learning the subtle balance between ease and challenge, and that makes me happy. Life does not have to be trying.